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The benefits of having a dumbphone

by Margaret Kay

My phone is dumb. It can’t even spell Kardashian. It doesn’t understand Daylight Saving Time at all. Sometimes the red phone key just decides not to work. It can send photos, but it cannot receive photos – and it always tells me there’s “some text missing.”

I look around me. I stare in awe as people swipe through their Android phones with the ease of a knife through butter. I watch in admiration as people Instagram their dogs in Halloween costumes and become the instant hit of my newsfeed. I sneer jealously at every “Words With Friends” game I am inevitably left out of.

I used to be able to make ridiculous claims in heated pub discussions (i.e. Shakira is legally a midget) and people would just take me at my word! Now, they can use their fancy smartphones and Wikipedia to prove me wrong (she’s just short, about 5’2″).

Clearly, the time to get a smartphone is long overdue, but for now I am going to enjoy these final days with my dumbphone. After all, it does have its advantages. For those of you who have forgotten, here are the benefits of having a dumbphone:

When you forget it and leave it at home, it doesn’t matter.
If my phone falls off my bedside table and rolls under the bed, I usually let it stay there for couple of weeks until it beeps out its dying breaths and forces me to charge it. Accidentally leaving it at home is as concerning as losing my hairband (no, wait – losing my hairband is way worse).

You can brag about how anti-establishment you are.
Hellz no, I ain’t about to let “the man” hold me down with a 2-year phone contract. Want to hang with the hipsters but can’t afford a fixie bike? Just show off your super basic dumbphone and you’ll be welcomed with open arms.

You never have to charge it.
I charge my phone twice a month – seriously. Its battery efficiency is crazy.

You can actually carry on a conversation with someone.
Yes, sometimes when I talk it is boring – but these days I seem to be losing people earlier and earlier in the conversation. I’ll be about three sentences in and they’ll reach into their pocket and grab their phone as if its the most normal, non-rude thing in the world.

You save money.
There’s no doubt that dumbphones are cheaper. The less money I spend on expensive phone contracts, the more money I get to spend on Snickers bars (the most necessary unnecessary part of my diet).

Muggers will be nicer to you.
True story – this guy in south London got mugged and when the muggers realised his phone was a £9.99 Sagem, they gave it back. HA! Forget mugging insurance (yes, that actually exists), I’ll just make sure I have my dumbphone on display everytime I find myself in a shady part of town.

Do you ever miss your dumbphone or are you one of the few who still has one? Share your thoughts on the subject in the comments section below!

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