They did not just go out and build a giant robot snake

by James Meikle

It is surely the end of days. How could this have been allowed to happen? We’re all doomed. I’ve been ranting away in this blog, warning the world of the dangers posed by all those mad scientists out there; you know, the ones building unmanned fighter jets, cyborgs and robot horses. It seems however that the greatest danger is not posed by mad scientists, but by mad environmentalist artists with scientific tendencies.

The deranged individuals at Canadian based eatART have gone and done the unthinkable. They… have built… a one ton… 50 ft long… gargantuan… robot snake.

Hysterical sobbing ensues.

Why, dear God? Why have they been allowed to create this mechanical monstrosity?

These despicable designers have built the heinous contraption, known as Titanboa, under the guise of a project intended to explore energy efficient forms of alternative propulsion. On their worrisome website they claim the dastardly device was built as an ‘amphibious, electromechanical serpent machine meant to provoke discussions of our changing climate and energy use in a historical context.’ What a load of nonsense, admit it, you just thought it would be cool!

… wait a god damned minute did that quote say amphibious? Really? @*$%ing REALLY? Why the hell does it need to swim? Unless, of course, it’s a weapon capable of slithering right through sewage pipes and taking out its targets while they’re at their most vulnerable; sitting on the loo.

eatArt claims to be an artistic group focussing on ‘large-scale, kinetic and robotic sculpture.’ While researching their dubious claims I stumbled upon the following video:

Ha, it all becomes clear. This video offers indisputable and conclusive proof that they’re building an army of abominable automations in order to take over the world. In a stroke of diabolical genius (undoubtedly inspired by Batman), they’ve built their war machines in the forms of terrifying creatures which strike fear into the hearts of men.

How can these arrogant artists believe they are capable of harnessing such awesome power? Don’t they see? These mechanised monsters are sure to rebel, turn on their masters and wipe out humanity in an automated Armageddon. What if that’s the plan? Maybe these are really diabolical devices designed by the devil. Who else would want to make super-serpent servant?

Beware folks, this next video is particularly disturbing; the slithering robotic abomination stalks innocent disco loving kids. However, after listening to the music, the beast could be forgiven for devouring the DJ.

May dear friends, there is only one solution. We must pool our collective skills, resources and brain-power in order to build our one last hope: a gargantuan robot honey badger. Witness the awesome power of god’s most beloved warrior:

How would you defend yourself against the giant robot snake? How can we stave off the coming automated apocalypse? Save some lives by sharing your wisdom in the comments box below.

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