Oh great, now they’re building robot animal war-machines

by Jamie Meikle

Not content with building cyborgs and human shaped robots, those crazy-cats in the scientific community have been working on robot animal war machines. Oh great, now I have a bigger worry than being assassinated by a cyborg: I could end my days being torn apart by a giant robot dog.

American robotics company Boston Dynamics has been developing these unnatural contraptions for the DARPA, the U.S. military’s science division.

We really need some new terminology for these abominations. Human shaped robots are called androids and human/robot mash-ups are known as cyborgs, but what can we call dog shaped robots? Muttoids? Mechapooches? Do-bots? I think we’ll go for do-bots; it does have a certain je ne sais quoi.

Anyway, time for us to have a wee look the mechanical monstrosity known as AlphaDog:

Oh god, it’s not based on a dog at all, it’s a robot horse. Excuse me while I foam at the mouth and chew off my fingernails.

You may be aware from my previous posts that I have a bit of a phobia regarding robots, well, funnily enough I also have a fear of horses. I tend not to be afraid of silly little harmless creatures like moths and household spiders. I fear things which can actually kill me. Things like cyborgs, things like unmanned fighter jets and things like bloody great half-tonne beast with big teeth, metal feet and a kick that would put Chuck Norris to shame.

I generally don’t have a problem with being accused of paranoia, however when it comes to horses I will vigorously fight my case. If you don’t believe me about the dangers of the dammed things, go ask Christopher Reeves. Oh sorry, I forgot, a horse killed him. Yes, that’s right a horse killed Superman!

So, imagine my delight when I watched that video of a hulking mechanical headless ho-bot crushing concrete blocks beneath its feet as it carries weights that only the biggest nastiest gym-rats would try to lift.

Ok, I’ve managed to settle my nerves by find another video with robots that apparently look much more like dogs.

What do those lunatics in the videos think they are playing at? Are they right in the head? They’re kicking a giant robot dog that’s been developed for military use!

Abusing these do-bots could end very badly for us all. The poor things will curl-up in their baskets, lick their cold dead paws and dream of the day they have the numbers launch an attack and overthrow humanity. We’ll be crying into our slave collars and wishing we treated them better as they throw sticks for us to fetch. And woe betide those who don’t fetch the stick: they’ll be on the wrong end of a rolled up do-bot newspaper.

What do you think of the do-bots and ho-bots? Are there any animals you would like to see a robot version of? Share your thoughts in the comments box below.
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