Electricity Generating Implants for Humans

by James Meikle

If you’ve read any of my recent posts on this blog you may have noticed my descent into a state of paranoid technophobic delirium. It continues.

First we had robots controlled by brain waves, then we had a U.S. Navy unmanned fighter jet and now these psychotic scientists want to put electricity generating implants inside our bodies. Have they never seen the Matrix? Hmmm… maybe they have and it’s given them the heinous idea to use us as batteries for their brain wave controlled war machines! The worst thing is they’re pretending that the tech is being developed for medical purposes.

At his research lab in Grenoble (otherwise known as his Alpine mountain lair) Dr Serge Cosnier is leading a team of minions in efforts to develop a biofuel cell for use in the human body. Beware; he’s already successfully trialled the tech in a rat. The basic idea is that the biofuel cell uses enzymes to pull electrons from glucose molecules then passes the electrons over to oxygen and hydrogen atoms, creating water as a by-product. It’s this passing of electrons that creates the electrical current.

Dr Cosnier is cunningly claiming that this tech could be used to power medical implants or prosthetic limbs. Work has begun on producing a variety of artificial electrically-powered organs, including hearts, kidneys and sphincters. Other devices, such as robot eyes, fingers and limbs are also in development.

“WTF?” I hear you say, my tinfoil hat wearing friends, “He’s planning on building an army of brain wave controlled cyborg soldiers!” I just hope their robo-eyes aren’t red, if I saw one of those I’d probably be in need of a robo-sphincter.

The main difficulty in producing these cyborgs is finding a reliable, long lasting power source. In current cyborgs, such as those with pacemakers, battery life is a major issue, even in devices which use very little power. Typically, those with pacemakers have to have an operation every 5 years in order to replace the battery. By producing electricity from the readily available and easily replenished glucose found in the human body, evil geniuses may be able to power devices that use much more energy, such as chainsaw arms and laser eyes.

We are fairly safe from Dr Cosnier for the time being, as his implants can only currently produce small amounts of power. He is however, nefariously working on improving the tech and hopes to devise a system that can generate 50 times as much power.

Now that I’ve warned you good people that you’re going to be enslaved by an army of cyborgs and turned into human batteries, my work for the day is done. Time to retire to my bomb shelter and train a crack team of hamsters to sniff out evil cyborgs.

What do you think about this tech? Would you like to be able to plug your phone into an orifice and charge it? Post your comments in the box below.

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